Narcissism and finding yourself 

A relationship of any sort with a narcissist will leave your head spinning. You lose your self of self and your identity as an individual. It leaves you questioning everything, doubting yourself, and wondering who to trust.

In healing my past, I recently discovered that I had three significant relationships with people who were very likely on the narcissist scale.

Empaths and boundary issues

Those who have relationships with narcissists are generally empaths, and have poor boundaries. Distinguishing "me" from "you" is a huge issue. The narcissist personality literally feeds off of the energy of another. 

I have seen these energetic boundary issues in myself and in my clients. We're surrounded by energy, and learning to distinguish what we're feeling and where it's coming from can be really difficult.

Empaths can sense the feelings and energies of others. I’m of the belief that being an empath in this way is not a gift, but an adaptation to growing up in an environment where you feel unsafe. Sending out your feelers was necessary to know what to expect from the people around you. 

There isn't anything inherently “wrong” or “bad” about sensing the feelings of others. We actually do it all the time, but most people are simply unaware of it. Just last week, I unintentionally took on a strong emotion from my husband. It was only a few hours later that I realized it had happened. So it’s a process of awareness and growth to navigate your feelings.

However, if you pay attention, you’ll notice that you pick up on things when you’re around people or in different situations. We are constantly exchanging energies with others. The problem comes when we continue this pattern into adulthood without realizing whose feelings we are experiencing.

For example, there's a book by Christiane Northrup, M.D., called Dodging Energy Vampires, that highlights physical ailments she sees in her patients. These ailments don't fully heal until her patients separate themselves from the narcissists in their lives.

Separating from a narcissist to discover yourself

The issue of separating out your own feelings from those of others is important so you understand what makes you, YOU.

We all have an inner light and an inner dream that we were given to bring to life. God made you unique and with a purpose. However, we can't bring our dream to life when we're enmeshed with others. We have to separate from others and discover who we truly are, first. If we don't separate, we don't know what desires are ours, and what desires are actually someone else's. 

Here’s a simple example that's not from a narcissist relationship. For years, I grew a vegetable garden. We had a few growing up, and my dad has really enjoyed having a garden as he’s gotten older.

I thought I wanted the same thing, but I kept feeling frustrated with the whole process. It wasn’t bringing me any joy. Deep down, I started to realize that what I really wanted was to grow flowers and herbs. But I put it off, because it felt to frivolous and impractical.

Now, I’ve finally accepted that flowers and herbs are what truly make me happy, and not vegetables.

Society also makes it difficult to determines what is ours and what isn't. Even well meaning parents who are mentally healthy quite often put their children into boxes that limit what is acceptable and not acceptable for them to express or to become.

Express your own desires, not other's "shoulds"

Think back to your childhood. Or maybe even still today you hear others telling you what you “should” want or not want.

Were you told that what you wanted to do was wrong, or impossible? Were you shamed for your desires? Do you hear other adults supporting their kids in some goals, but not others? 

I remember a young girl at church who told me that she couldn’t play piano as a career because she couldn’t earn enough money doing so. When she said that, I knew that that belief had come from her parents!

I received a poem that pretty strongly expresses the challenges in separating from a narcissistic relationship. Before sharing it, I want to touch on the purpose of our family relationships.

Our family relationships are part of God's plan

God put us into families for a reason. It is through our family relationships that we become who we are, and that we learn the lessons He knows we need to grow and progress. In fact, in a conversation with my deceased uncle, he told me that we are to lean into the difficulties in our family relationships to find the lessons there.

My own family, direct and extended, included patterns of poverty, mental illness, abuse, alcoholism, and even a few murders. We need to process our hurts, and move on past any feelings of being a victim. Those states and feelings are normal, but we don’t want to stay there.

Ultimately, the best healing will come as we yoke ourselves to Jesus Christ and follow his pattern of love and forgiveness. Having understanding for the things our ancestors endured themselves can bring us compassion for how they may have treated us. I feel grateful for my parents, and for their love for me. I love them! I am who I am today because of my family.

Now, as you listen to this poem, I invite you to let the Spirit guide you to what your next step might be for healing your family relationships. And if you’d like help with that, you can schedule an intuitive healing session with me.

If you have a hard time figuring out what dreams or goals you want to pursue, keep moving forward. Keep searching for the true you. It is there, it just might be buried under some layers that need healing first. I want to leave you on an encouraging note with a beautiful reminder of who you are.

Now that I'm planting flowers and herbs, I have a few Yarrow plants in my yard. It's a wonderful herb. It's pretty, has many medicinal purposes, and can also be a great ground cover to replace some of your grass. I like to let it grow bit and tall and harvest the white flowers and leaves for medicine.

Last July, yarrow and I had a conversation when my heart needed to remember.

No matter what you've experienced, or what you're going through, your true nature as a child of a loving Heavenly Father is within. After all, Christ repeatedly taught that "the kingdom of heaven is at hand." He didn't say, the kingdom of Heaven is some far off distant place that you can experience after you die. He was talking about right here, right now.

As you continue to move forward in faith, I know that you will find the goodness you seek.

Image credit: Cottonbro Studio on Pexels